10 tips on how to be a Lousy Game Master
- Treat your player’s characters like puppets. After all, they are only there to act out your grand vision and story.
- Delight in the death of your player’s characters. This leads to a reputation as being the killer GM, and that is a position of awe and respect.
- Throw monsters and villains at your players that seriously out power them. Let them know exactly who is in control! There is nothing like the look on a fresh half-elf ranger’s face when encountering Latharious, God-Emperor of the Liches.
- Accept real world bribes from players. Food, money, favors, weed… whatever they are willing to give in sacrifice for their character. If they don’t give enough, make their players suffer.
- Reward cross-talk with instant death. Preferably to only one of the people talking. Make sure you show favoritism!
- If your significant other is playing, make sure that they are given all of the lucky breaks and fortunate turns. If not, hit on all of the players that are attractive to you.
- Make sure to take every phone call, turn on the TV, and sneak off with your “special friend” during the game. Always remember the players are there for your pleasure!
- Hide your dice rolls. Consider the results to be suggestions. Randomly roll the dice, and pretend like it is something serious.
- Don’t bother investing in the game financially. Don’t provide food, figures, maps, a board, or even a table if you can help it.
- Be unprepared! Don’t bother anticipating your player’s actions, don’t take notes, heck, don’t even bother knowing the rules of the game! Make it up as you go along! It will add an air of mystery and suspense to your game.